Becca Lawlor
Sarah L. Taggart, Pacifique.
Toronto: Coach House Books, 2022. $23.95.
“Because a lot of what is most important to us cannot be proven or disproven” (Taggart, 46).
In Sarah L. Taggart’s debut novel, Pacifique, Tia is involuntarily admitted to a psychiatric hospital after an accident, and her lover, Pacifique, is reduced to a delusion by her medical team and other inpatients. Andrew, a fellow inpatient who’s struggling with delusions because of schizophrenia, becomes a friend, confidant, and guide to Tia as his crush for her grows. Scouring memories and her history, Tia is given an unspoken ultimatum: she must prove that the greatest love she’s ever had is real or admit that she is experiencing psychosis.
Dropping readers into a confused state, unsure of their bearings, identity, and how things came to pass is a masterful way to allow readers a glimpse into the perplexing, frightening, and disquieting reality of one person’s experience with mental illness. Brilliantly weaving between timelines and perspectives, readers are provided with threads to twist or pull, slowly uncovering more details to fervently try to make sense of Tia’s world. Dynamic, raw characters draw readers in with incredibly distinct voices that reflect issues within the mental healthcare system in a balanced and compelling narrative.
Pacifique dares readers to ask what “true” love really is. Much like how each individual experience is valid and varied, Pacifique posits that reality may be similarly contextualized and perceived. To compare delusions to first love is extremely heartbreaking and poignant. Readers are left doubting the reliability of this narrator, but also their own minds as Tia’s perspective may persuade desperate wonderment that maybe the lover wasn’t a symptom of psychosis. As readers wonder whether Pacifique is real, a hard question is posed: how do we know if love is real? Who is to say if our love is true love or something created to distract or obscure from the truth? But what is the truth? Can analysis uncover the fantastical, ethereal magic of love? Can logic and facts disprove experiences that one was certain occurred?
If it’s real to Tia, but not to someone else, why does that invalidate Tia’s experience?
Taggart’s novel speaks of individualism, human fallibility, and how our perspectives shape us. More than that, it reveals how challenging and confusing coping with mental illness and complicated disorders can be. It’s heartbreaking and scary to think that those in charge of one’s care may not being making the right calls, or worse, may be making the wrong calls. The mental healthcare system can fail a person with the best of intentions; their own biases and perceptions work against them to create truths and realities that govern individual worlds. When working with people whose realities are often unstable, some may believe in a prescriptive approach to reality.
In the bio of this book, Sarah L. Taggart states that she has “lived experience of madness and forced psychiatrization.” I think that having this personal insight lent to both the quality of storytelling and also the cultural value of the narrative. It is vital that we listen to people for whom the system fails. As someone who has experienced both voluntary and involuntary admissions to psychiatric hospitals, this story reminded me how imperfect the system is and that I am lucky to have found the quality of support that I have access to. As seen in Taggart’s novel, this is not the case for many people and many minorities. The fact that Pacifique is a woman made me wonder if Tia’s “sudden interest” in a queer relationship added another layer of doubt to her medical team not believing in Pacifique’s existence due to homophobia and general misunderstandings about sexual and romantic orientations.
Pacifique suggests that sometimes healing is accepting oneself and not trying to fit into the prescribed box, but to create the container that is most comfortable in which to reside. Knowing how to home oneself in a world that tries to reject and misunderstand them is an act of rebellion, faith, and love.
Becca Lawlor
Becca Lawlor is a queer writer and editor in their third year of the Honours Bachelor of Creative Writing & Publishing program at Sheridan College. They have short fiction story in The Bangalore Review, a review in CAROUSEL magazine, are a member of the Meet the Presses collective, and are working as an editorial intern for The Ampersand Review. Living in Mississauga, Becca reads most moments of the day while drinking lukewarm, over-sugared coffee.